Imagine you’re in a relationship with someone who is usually brilliant, funny and loving. However, this same partner is sometimes the exact opposite, engaging in screaming rages that leave you crushed and bewildered.
Do you stay in the relationship, or do you leave?
Psychology professor Roy Baumeister was in this position when he was young. Unsure what to do, he kept track of the days spent with his partner, recording which were good, bad and neutral. A few months of data showed they enjoyed two good days for every one bad day.
Baumeister made up his mind: he ended the relationship.
Subsequent research was to indicate Baumeister was not alone in thinking two good days didn’t make up for one bad day. Psychologist and relationship expert John Gottman has found couples tend to break up when they have as many bad interactions as good. The happiest couples, according to Gottman, tended to have five positive interactions for every negative one.
There is an obvious reason for this: bad is stronger than good, as Prof Baumeister puts it. Baumeister has become famous for research showing the negative is more powerful than the positive – and not just in relationships.
‘Research tracking workers’ moods during the day shows that a setback has between two and five times as much emotional impact as a positive event’, writes Baumeister in his book, The Power of Bad.
It’s the same with money. Much research confirms we are hardwired to try and avoid losses; avoiding losses is more important than acquiring an equivalent gain. Most people will not risk losing €20 on a coin toss unless they are offered a potential gain of at least double that amount (€40). ‘Losses loom larger than gains’, to quote psychologist and behavioural finance expert Daniel Kahneman.
There’s a mountain of research showing the greater ‘power of bad’, but I think most of us know this instinctively. After all, if one colleague praises your work and another finds fault with it, do you give equal time to both comments? Or do you ruminate on the negative comment?
RULE OF FOUR
‘Researchers have repeatedly found that bad things are at least twice as powerful as good things, and generally at least three times as powerful when dealing with emotions and relationships’, says Baumeister. For the good to outweigh the bad, you need a positivity ratio of at least three to one, and preferably a little higher.
Thus, Baumeister has come up with a guideline he calls the ‘rule of four’, namely that it takes four good things to overcome one bad thing.
This is a ‘rough gauge’, says Baumeister; it’s not a law of nature, but it’s a useful rule of thumb.
There are a number of lessons inherent in this rule. Firstly, try to follow the ‘negative golden rule – it’s what you don’t do unto others that matters most.’ Quite simply, ‘avoiding broken promises will do much more for you than going the extra mile.’ We expect others to pay attention to the good things we do for them, but that’s not always what’s most obvious to them. Avoiding bad is more important than doing good when you’re dealing with lovers, children, friends, and colleagues, says Baumeister. ‘It’s not so much what you do unto others. It’s what you don’t do.’
Of course, we all err occasionally, but it’s helpful to keep Baumeister’s ratio in mind when considering the impact of our actions. ‘If you’re late for one meeting, you won’t redeem yourself by being early the next time’, he notes. ‘If you say or do something hurtful, don’t expect to atone for it with one bit of goodwill.’
Additionally, try to remember your own hurt feelings may be due to your own negativity bias. ‘Instead of obsessing about a snarky comment on social media, scroll down and reread four compliments’, suggests Baumeister. ‘When you’re furious at a friend for letting you down, force yourself to recall the times that same friend came through for you’.
Our negativity bias can make things seem worse than they really are. You can’t completely overcome it, but you can tame it – and doing so will help your mood and well-being.
(First published in Southern Star on 1/8/2024)