‘You are afraid of surrender because you don’t want to lose control. But you never had control; all you had was anxiety’.
The above words come from author Elizabeth Gilbert, and they should strike a chord with anyone who strives to control the big and small details of daily life.
Maybe you micromanage your work rather than delegating to others and letting them get on with things. Maybe you micromanage your home life, continually checking what your kids are up to and making sure that ABC does happen and XYZ doesn’t happen. Maybe you strive to control outcomes, other people, the future, or even your own emotions.
If so, the thought of letting your guard down and surrendering control will seem uncomfortable. You might think of a potential issue and think, no thanks: I like to do things my way, I like to control my life.
The belief here is that if we stay in control, we’ll stay safe, that we can keep uncertainty at bay if we manage everything.
However, it’s not really true. Yes, we can (and should) make plans, but the idea we can control how life unfolds is mostly illusory. Things change, plans go awry, and outcomes rarely follow a script, no matter how carefully we prepare.
Additionally, attempts to control everything keeps us on edge. The constant checking, overthinking, over-planning, rehearsing – what we think of as being in control is often just anxiety wearing a convincing mask.
In these situations, one’s day can become a cycle of tension after tension, briefly eased by momentary feelings of relief — only for the tension to then start building all over again. The person tells themselves they’re holding everything together, but what they’re really holding is their own constant state of unease.
The real relief doesn’t come from holding on tighter – it comes from letting go.
EXAMPLES
Picture someone who plans every holiday with military precision. They spend weeks researching, draw up tight schedules, book everything well in advance – and feel thrown if anything shifts. They might say it helps them relax, but even a small hiccup – a late train, a sudden downpour, a restaurant that’s shut even though Google Maps says it’s open – can leave them rattled and frustrated.
To repeat, there’s nothing wrong with planning. Weeks of holiday research can be a pleasurable, stimulating and exciting activity in itself. However, what’s going on in the example I gave is an attempt to control the unpredictability of life, to prevent discomfort or disappointment by pre-empting every possible problem.
But instead of feeling free, the person spends the entire trip on edge, clinging to a sense of order that never quite holds. The holiday becomes more about managing uncertainty than enjoying the moment.
Here, surrender doesn’t mean giving up on planning altogether, it means holding the plan more lightly. It means allowing for flexibility, for missed trains and wrong turns and the kind of moments you can’t script. It’s trusting that even when things don’t go to plan, the experience can still be good – sometimes even better. When the focus shifts from controlling every detail to being present for whatever unfolds, the trip stops being a test of one’s planning and starts becoming a real holiday.
Another example. Picture a parent who wants everything to go “just right” for their child. They plan their day, intervene in every conflict, supervise homework obsessively, and try to shield the child from every disappointment or failure.
The motivation often comes not only from love, but from fear. Fear the child will suffer. Fear they’ll fall behind. Fear of being a “bad” parent. So the parent tries to control every variable.
But life doesn’t work that way. The child may become anxious, dependent, or resentful. They may not learn how to cope with failure, boredom, or frustration, because they’ve never had the space to experience it.
And the parent? Despite their efforts, they’re still anxious. Because no matter how hard they try, they can’t control everything. Not the world, not their child’s feelings, not the future. What they call being in control is really a state of hyper-vigilance and anxiety.
Surrender here might mean allowing the child to make mistakes; accepting bumps are part of growing up; and trusting that love and independence, not perfect control, is what helps a child thrive.
Letting go won’t guarantee a smooth ride in life, because nothing does. However, it just might give you the space to breathe, to trust, and to live with a little more ease.
(First published in Southern Star on 14/8/2025)