"Why do you think that?" It’s a simple question, but when asked in the right way, it can transform how we support struggling loved ones.
“Why do you think that?" is an example of Socratic questioning – a method of gently exploring and challenging thoughts through open-ended, thought-provoking questions. The technique is named after Socrates, the ancient Greek philosopher who used questioning to stimulate critical thinking in others. Socrates didn’t tell people what to believe; rather, he asked structured questions that led them to examine their own assumptions and arrive at deeper insights.
Widely used in teaching today, Socratic questioning is also a key part of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). There are many good reasons for this.
For example, say someone says, "Nobody likes me”. A friend or parent might respond in a non-Socratic way by saying something like, “That’s not true, lots of people like you”, or “You’re just being negative”, or “Don’t be silly, of course people like you!"
In contrast, a Socratic response might involve a question like, “What makes you think that?". Depending on what the person says, you could follow up with other questions like, “If a friend said this about themselves, what would you say to them?", "Could there be another explanation for why someone didn’t respond to your message?", "Can you think of any evidence that suggests some people do like you?", and so on.
Can you see the effectiveness of this approach? Instead of dismissing the thought outright (which may feel invalidating), the Socratic questioning encourages the person to examine their belief critically and consider alternative perspectives. They also – and this is very important – feel heard.
Another example. A depressed person says, “I’m such a failure”. Many people would be tempted to respond in an emphatically non-Socratic fashion – “Don’t be ridiculous, you’re not a failure”, “You’re just being hard on yourself”, “That’s not true. Look at all the things you’ve done!"
In contrast, a Socratic approach might look like this: “Why do you say that, what does being a 'failure' mean to you?" Follow-up questions might include “Can you think of times when you succeeded at something?"; "Are there areas of your life where you feel competent or capable?"; "What would you say to a friend who called themselves a failure?"
Again, the Socratic approach works better. It helps the person explore what "failure" means to them and recognise their belief may be overly broad or unfair. Instead of simply reassuring them, it fosters independent critical thinking.
A third example. Someone says, "If I make a mistake, people will think I'm incompetent”. Again, many will jump in and offer reassurance -- "That’s not true, everyone makes mistakes”, "Don’t worry, no one will think that”, “You’re being too hard on yourself."
In contrast, Socratic questions might include: “Has anyone ever made a mistake and still been seen as competent?"; "What’s the worst that could happen if you made a mistake?"; "Have you ever respected someone who made a mistake?"; "Are there other qualities people judge competence on besides perfection?"
Instead of offering blanket reassurance, the Socratic approach encourages the person to analyse their belief and consider alternative ways of thinking.
BETTER QUESTIONS
Of course, some questions are better than others. Questions should feel curious and open-ended, not like a test or an attempt to "catch" someone in faulty thinking. For example, contrast “Don’t you see that’s irrational?” with “How did you come to that conclusion?”
When people feel lectured, they often become defensive or shut down. Asking curious, open-ended questions helps them reach conclusions on their own rather than feeling like they are being corrected. Gentle questioning keeps the conversation open rather than turning into an argument about who is "right."
The way a question is asked matters as much as the content. A warm, genuinely curious tone helps the other person feel safe enough to explore their thoughts. Instead of a challenging or sceptical tone (“Are you sure about that?”), try a softer one: “I wonder if there might be another way to look at that?”
Socratic questioning isn’t just a tool for therapists – it’s a powerful way for anyone to support a friend, partner, or child. By asking thoughtful questions, we can help those we care about build their own path to clearer, more compassionate thinking.
(First published in Southern Star on 28/8/2025)