Imagine this: you’ve just submitted a project at work. Your manager replies with a short, neutral message: "Looks good – thanks."
Michael reads it and immediately feels anxious. Did I miss something? Was that too brief?
Lisa, who is prone to anger, bristles with irritation. I put hours into that – and that’s all they say?
David feels a bit low. Maybe it wasn’t that good after all.
Emma feels fine. No complaints – I’ll take that as a win.
Same event, four different reactions – not based on what happened, but on what each person’s emotional default.
We all have our own emotional style, and feel some emotions more strongly and more routinely than others. Many of us, notes psychologist and writer Dr Alice Boyes, have one dominant or default emotion – the one we return to most easily.
For one person, it might be anxiety. For another, it might be feelings of anger, or hopelessness, or resentment, and so on.
These patterns may come from temperament, life experience, or the emotional tone of early relationships.
Boyes notes that when one emotion becomes dominant, it can start to crowd out others. She describes how, in her own case, anxiety tends to be her go-to feeling – even in situations where other emotions, like sadness or anger, might make more logical sense.
Thus, the anxious person routinely notices potential problems; the resentful person routinely sees signs of unfairness; the downcast person routinely expects disappointment.
Habitual ways of thinking mean that over time, it’s easy to see the world through the lens of your dominant emotion.
Default emotions are habitual, but habit isn’t the only factor at play. They can also be attempts at protection.
For example, someone who doesn’t like feeling vulnerable may default to anger – it feels stronger, more controlled.
Someone who fears sadness might turn to worry instead, preferring the busy and distracting restlessness of worry to feelings of sadness or loss.
Thus, a default emotion can act like an emotional decoy, drawing attention away from what the person has learned is too risky or painful to feel.
CONS
However, allowing one dominant emotion to shape your world means your interpretation of events will be incomplete. You might always blame yourself. Or always blame others. You might always push forward when resting would be wiser.
Too much of any one emotion can also wear you out.
And it can, adds Boyes, crowd out other feelings that might be painful but also useful – anger that signals your boundaries have been crossed, sadness that points to something missing in your life, or even boredom that nudges you toward change.
Default emotions are often understandable, but they can narrow our experience. If you always feel anxious, it’s hard to enjoy peace. If you default to cynicism, you might miss real moments of warmth or connection. If you slip into low mood at the first sign of disappointment, you may not notice the full story.
Accordingly, it’s important to expand your emotional range. That might start with simply noticing the pattern and becoming more aware of your own default emotion. When something triggers you emotionally, pause and ask: Is this my usual reaction? Is it the only possible one?
A second tip: try to name the feeling more precisely. Instead of saying “I feel bad,” try: Is it disappointment? Frustration? Embarrassment? The more specific you get, the more flexible your response can be.
Thirdly, ask yourself what it might be protecting you from. As mentioned, a familiar emotion is often shielding something harder underneath. You don’t need to dig – but being curious can shift how you relate to the feeling.
Fourth, aim to let other emotions in. This can be subtle. Noticing a moment of calm. Allowing yourself a flicker of hope. Giving weight to satisfaction, even if it feels unfamiliar. Over time, you’re making room.
As Boyes notes, tuning into less familiar emotions can have surprising effects: you might feel uncomfortable initially, but also more creative, more open to new ideas, more curious about yourself and others.
You can learn to recognise your default emotion, and gradually loosen its hold. It will help you see the world with a little less filter, and a little more freedom.
(First published in Southern Star on 22/5/2025)