We all seek reassurance on occasion, but what about when reassurance-seeking is persistent, excessive, or even compulsive?
Excessive reassurance-seeking is especially associated with OCD, although it's also a feature of other anxiety disorders, particularly health anxiety and generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) – that is, people prone to chronic worrying.
Parents, partners and friends of people with marked anxiety will often seek to assuage concerns by reassuring their loved one that XYZ will not happen. This is understandable, but providing endless reassurance isn't the answer – it only maintains and ultimately worsens anxiety. The relief it provides is fleeting. Instead of stopping a person's worries, reassurance feeds them and helps them grow.
EXAMPLE
Consider this example. Imagine two friends, John and George, standing by a country road in the middle of a vast, empty landscape. The road is ruler-straight, you can see for miles and there is not a car or a person in sight.
Nevertheless, John is gripped by fear, terrified that a car will somehow appear from nowhere and hit them as they are crossing the road. He is doing internet searches on his phone, hoping to find reassuring information that confirms no-one has ever died on this stretch of road. He is making a list of reasons why it is safe to walk across the road. He keeps asking George, "Do you think it's safe to cross? We will be fine, won't we?"
Eventually, John takes a deep breath and slowly begins to walk across the road, gripping George's hand tightly. As they cross the road, John keeps repeating out loud, "We're going to be fine, we're going to be fine, we're going to be fine".
Now, ask yourself, is this reassurance-seeking a good or a bad idea? Does it make crossing the road seem more or less dangerous? What kind of message is John sending to his brain? Is he likely to have more or less faith in his coping abilities, in his ability to cope with stress? Is reassurance-seeking going to make him more or less anxious?
You might think, John's behaviour is ridiculous. It's completely obvious that crossing this quiet country road is perfectly safe, so John's behaviour makes no sense!
And that's exactly the point – we only seek reassurance when we are worried, when we think we are in danger of some sort. By constantly seeking reassurance, you are allowing yourself to be bullied by your anxious mind, and you give your worries a sheen of credibility that they rarely deserve.
In the case of OCD and health anxiety, people end up dignifying what are usually absurd and unrealistic concerns. Worries tend to be more plausible in people with GAD, although the vast majority of these worries are also never realised.
It's obvious that John's attempts at reassurance are a bad idea that only fuel his excessive anxiety. Now, ask yourself: does it really help when I ask for reassurance? Or am I, like John, only contributing to my anxiety?
CONS
Reassurance temporarily eases anxiety, but it also validates your worries. Your brain thinks, why would you seek reassurance unless there is something to worry about? This must be a really important thought!
Reassurance is like a drug; it's addictive, you need more of it over time, and withdrawal can be painful.
Reassurance brings short-term relief but it wears off so you come back for more. One reassurance is never enough ("How does she know? Is she only saying that to be nice?"). Ultimately, reassurance fuels further reassurance-seeking, resulting in more long-term anxiety – not less.
It's ineffective: reassurance is often an attempt to get certainty, but gaining certainty is impossible – there will always be another "What if...?"
And it undermines your self-belief. Managing anxiety means learning to tolerate discomfort and uncertainty, learning to say: "I can handle this situation. I can handle anxiety. I'm going to sit with these uncomfortable feelings and not give into every one of my brain's anxious urgings." In contrast, reassurance-seeking reinforces the idea that you can't cope with discomfort and uncertainty.
It’s worth making the effort to break free from the reassurance trap. Real relief comes not from getting reassurance, but from building trust in your own ability to tolerate uncertainty.
(First published in Southern Star on 23/10/2025)